SPEAKER_00 0:03

Welcome to the Success Architect, where we don't just build homes, we build legacies. I'm your host, Jake Lewendahl, custom home builder and coach. Each week, I sit down with builders and entrepreneurs who are ready to 10x their business, their health, and their mindset. This is where blueprints become breakthroughs. Let's get to work. What's up, everyone? Welcome back to the Success Architect. I am Jake Lewendah, your host, and today we are talking about parenthood. I'm actually a little scared about talking about this because it's vulnerable and it's hard. And no matter how much advice you get on the front end from anybody, it's always different. If anyone says anything other than it's hard, they're probably wrong. And honestly, like you can ask so many different people, different pieces of advice, like different questions or the same question, and you're going to get different answers every single time. So I hope what I talk about here today gives everyone a little bit to think about. But what I can say is that it's going to be different for every single person. The experience, how it works into your life is always going to be different than probably what I'm telling you here. And I guess that's the thing that I want to say is no matter the advice that you get, no matter what people say, your experience is going to be a little bit different when it comes to parenting. But hopefully I can give you a little something to think about today to help you be successful and to either become a better parent or prepare to be the best parent you can possibly be. It's a personalized journey. And what I can say is like, do your best. And if you're doing your best and trying to create beautiful children who are kind and sensitive and good members of society, like that's probably all you can do. But let's jump into it and I'll let you know my thoughts. And hopefully I can answer your questions in the best way possible. So, first question is what surprised you most about becoming a dad? Something that nobody warned you about. I read these first three questions I read last night, and I like honestly was stumped. I almost didn't do this one today because it's so hard to figure out exactly like what these things are. You know, going back five years in the the turmoil of being a parent, like everything changes. And I guess what surprised me the most is like how everything actually does change, even if someone tells you it's not going to. You still live your life, you still move forward, but literally the second that boy or girl comes out, like your life is different, you become a different person. And the question is, are you going to step into being that person or are you going to stay the same? I hope you step into being that new person who God has, you know, told you to become by becoming a parent. Big surprise, I guess, you know, a story that's so interesting is about, well, five years ago, around the time that my daughter was born, actually just before, I was a part of a vaunt building group, my first company. And I had gotten to a point of burning out. I think I've talked about this story before. And I basically was to the point where I was like, I don't want to be in construction anymore. And I kept telling Mackenzie, my wife, these insane things about how I was going to write a book and I was going to coach people and I was going to do it all from home. And I was going to be able to have our new baby daughter on the desk next to me, and I was going to be able to do all this stuff. Number one, she said, Well, what the hell are you going to write a book about? Because I didn't have anything to write about. Great fucking question. And number two, I had this insane idea that I would just get to like set my little daughter in her, you know, little seat sleeping on my desk while I got a bunch of work done. And that is probably the biggest fallacy. If anyone tells you that something like that is possible, that they just sleep all the time. I promise you it's bullshit. Maybe they do sleep all the time, but you're not sitting there actually able to get work done. So yeah, I had this, you know, kind of midlife crisis. I sold out of our last company. The day I signed the papers, we found out we were pregnant. So crazy because I was officially unemployed at that time and did not have a contract for another house to build or another job. And so we both were a little freaked out, especially Kenzie. And I had this grandiose idea. And that's the thing that I guess nobody warned me about. Or some people said, like, hey, nothing will change. It'll be easy. And I just thought, like, no big deal. I'm just gonna go sit at my desk and work while this little baby's right here and just handle it. And it's not the case. So being a parent is different, it's hard, it's rewarding, it's the greatest thing ever, but it is so difficult. And if anyone tells you otherwise, they are lying. How did fatherhood change your daily routine in those first few months? So, our first kid, it was a very interesting scenario. I had these preconceived notions that it was going to be easy, obviously, based off what I just told you. And so we had a uh scheduled birth. We went in on a Thursday and we stayed there through the weekends, and we got to come home on Saturday, I believe. Got to have Sunday at the house, and I went straight back to work on Monday. I thought this is no big deal. McKenzie's got this. McKenzie was taken two or I think three months of maternity leave, and she was gonna be at the house with the baby. I was just, you know, really just had this new company. We had quite a bit of work going on, and I had to be on site most days because I had one employee, and I went straight back to work on Monday. And by about noon or one o'clock, Kenzie called me and was like, get your ass back here. Like, absolutely not. This is not working, this is insanity. And so I went back and I realized like it's not because she couldn't do it herself, but like it was so unfair for me to just step away and just go on with my standard life, like it was no big deal. Like taking care of a kid at home is a massive undertaking. And for any men or women who are stay-at-home parents, it's a full-time freaking job. And so my daily routine did change. I sure shit didn't think it was going to, and I found out very quickly that it was going to. So when it came to daily routine, honestly, the first couple months, you're getting almost no sleep, especially men like don't be dickheads and leave your wife to do all of the night feedings and stuff unless you're doing just breastfeeding. But like, if there's any sort of bottle, bottle feeding going on, step up and wake up in the middle of the night and let her get some sleep. And don't be one of those guys that just sleeps like nothing has changed because it's freaking bullshit. Everything has changed. So, daily routine in those first couple, you know, weeks and months was totally based on sleep. Then we started to get into a routine after maybe three months plus of when the wakeups were happening, how the mornings were going, and we started to figure out how to work together on like, hey, you can work out at this time, you can work at this time, and and being able to swap and and work with each other. We for the first three months was just Mackenzie and I. My mom and my sister actually helps, you know, each one day a week with with Brooklyn, our first. And so that was fantastic. We ended up finding a nanny after three months, but we only had her for two days a week. She was working for another family, and we we were like, we'll take what we can get. So we got her for two days a week, but we really had to modify our routine. Mackenzie worked, she was doing real estate at the time and went back to work after three or four months. She was working at night a lot, she was doing showings, and you know, we were we needed help from anywhere we could get it. And I had to modify my schedule to make sure I was available to also be a part of that help during the day. And thank God, like as a business owner, I was able to do that. But we only had one employee at the time, like it was not easy, like it was there, there wasn't anyone else to just do the work for me because I said they needed to or someone to hire. I was in the trenches, Mackenzie was in the trenches, and that's how it's gonna be for most people. So if you have it different, that's fantastic. But for most people, your daily routine, your work life, like you got to figure it out, and it's it takes a minute. And the biggest thing is it takes communication with your partner, it takes working together, it takes sitting down and really figuring out okay, how are we gonna do this? What's the time outlay? Are we gonna work at night? Are we gonna wake up early in the morning? And who's gonna be taking, you know, night feedings, things like that. If you are not communicating with your partner, shit is gonna hit the fan very quickly. That's my main recommendation there. What's the one piece of advice you got before becoming a dad that turned out to be totally wrong? I don't I don't really have an answer for the one piece of advice, but what I will say is that especially for men, keep an eye on your wife. We didn't know what postpartum depression looked like. And so we just thought everything was great. We thought for, you know, a year, actually two years, postpartum, you know, plagued my wife. And we didn't even really know it. And we had gone to counselors in the past, like we thought we were aware of this shit. And and after like a year and a half, two years, we started being like, hey, well, like what's going on here? Like, it wasn't anything terrible, but it was something that it took us a year and a half to start to see. And the biggest advice that I have for dads is to be aware, talk to your wife, like watch her, see what her actions are so that you can see how she's doing on the inside. Because I let my wife suffer in silence and I didn't even know it was happening, which is totally unfair to her. And that's something that I regret and uh and I wish I could go back and change. And the second time around, we were very well aware of it. We had the right help, we had counselors, doctors, things like that. Like there's stuff that women cannot control when it comes to postpartum. And really, men, it's up to you to keep your eyes open because a woman, like it's built into her DNA that as soon as she has a kid, like all else, you know, goes by the wayside. She's gonna, she's gonna take care of that kid even if she's suffering. So, men, please be very aware and notice how it's affecting your spouse and do your best to help her through that and find the help that she needs if she needs it. Question four, how do you actually balance running a business with being present with your kids? This is one that I still struggle with, and I'm on year five of being a parent. And what I have had to do is, like I said, at the beginning of when we had our first, I had one employee. I was in the business every single day, working at night, doing invoicing and estimating. Like presence was very difficult. And what I thought is that I could get that time with my kids back later because right now they wouldn't really remember it. And and I think that's a mistake. I I don't think I have any regrets. I did everything that I could, but what I would recommend for anyone is that presence with your kids is one of the like most important things. And there's always time to make more money, there's always time to work more, but you will never get that first 18 years with your kids back. And it's something I have to tell myself every day. I've not perfected it. I get stuck in in work. Honestly, sometimes as a man, like work is my safe place. Like having kids at the house and people running around and all kinds of shit going on is super stressful. And work is stressful too. But sometimes for men, what I find is it's an easier stress. And and so a lot of men will, you know, recede into like the darkness or or into their business because it's a safe place. And I would urge every man out there to be aware of that, to understand, even if that is your safe space, which for me on occasion it is, be aware of it and know that that is the case so that you can balance it, so that you can understand, hey, I'm working hard right now. This is great. I've got this. And when I get home, I have a mindset shift. I I shift my everything in my head, I put the phone up and I focus on being present with my kids. It's kind of sad. I mean, like last week, I really try not to have my phone like out when I'm with the kids, but I'd say I'm 50-50 on it. And the other day, like my daughter was like, Hey dad, put your phone away. And I was like, seriously? Like, okay, wow. So I just like stopped what I was doing, tossed it aside, and was like, Yep, totally. What do you want to do, honey? Like, let's go play, let's go play a game, whatever it is. So there's gonna be eye-openers every single time, and nobody's perfect. Like, good lord, I don't understand how you know we have to go to college for things to learn, but there's no one to teach you how to be a parent. It's mind-blowing. Like, we're just supposed to know. I mean, even when you leave the hospital, the nurse is like, okay, and they they like check that you know how to strap the kid into your car seat, and they're not even allowed to tell you how to do it because it's a liability. So, because of our crazy world, the nurse isn't even allowed to help you put the kid in the seat. Make sure you have freaking YouTube ready to rock or you know how to do it because we had no freaking idea how. So we figured out how to get the kid in. She literally like kind of looks and she's like, Okay, like doesn't say yes or no. She's like, okay. And then they bring you outside, and all they want to do is they want to hear that seat click into the car. And when they hear two clicks, they're like, sweet, sounds good. See you later. And you're literally on your own. And like, like, what do you do? You got to keep this little thing alive. It's crazy. So if anyone wants some advice, I'm happy to give it. I don't know if I have it, but what I will say is use YouTube, use books, try to prepare because it's so crazy when they're like, okay, it's time for you to go home. Like, that's it. You just go home and you figure out how to raise this kid and you do everything you possibly can to make their life better than yours and make sure that they become amazing citizens. Next question What does quality time with your kids look like on your busiest weeks? So for me, I try to, I really try to get home early during the day to spend a little more time with them or at least be present. We're lucky enough that we have a full-time nanny right now. And so if I get home early, the nanny is still there playing with them. But even with me being present and there, I find transitions are easier. I find that it's a great opportunity for me to just be around them. And when you're around them and present in the household, that starts the quality time. Then when you transition, what I find for quality time is it's not about the quantity, it's about the quality. 15 minutes of quality time with no phone playing a game is way better than two hours of you having a phone and not paying attention to them, but being in the same room. I know that because my daughter now is to the point where she will call me out if I do the alternative, which is fantastic and scary at the same time. But I focus on the quality over quantity because unfortunately, in this world in America, we have a very work-driven society, even if whether you're an entrepreneur, whether you're an entrepreneur, if you work nine to five, like that's eight hours that you are not with your kids. So when you are with your kids, focus on it. You know, having a great nighttime routine with them where you are present with them and you're talking to them, and then you put them to bed is a fantastic use of time and quality time for them. And that's one way that I get quality time with my kids is partaking in that bedtime routine as much as I possibly can. Number six, do you ever feel guilty stepping away from family to focus on work and how do you deal with that? So, yeah, there's guilt every single day. And it's one thing that, you know, I've been working with various mentors on how to delete guilt. Like if I could get rid of it, that'd be fantastic. But sometimes guilt also is a way to keep you in line and keep you aware. So it's not all bad. Stepping away from family, I do my best to plan it if I'm gonna do that. That's the way that I deal with it. I try to make sure that it is not just like a random, like, oh shit, I'm gonna be at the office late tonight, honey. I try to actually plan it out, be aware of it. I also, you know, I try to set aside time that I'm going to do this work. And if it's gonna be a late one, it's built into my schedule so that my wife knows, my kids know. And that is the way that I try to make it so that it's workable for them and myself in order to continue building the business and help them get the quality time that they need and presence from me. What kind of dad did you want to be? And how close are you to that vision? This is also one that I don't know how to answer. What I can say, and this actually goes with the next question, I'm gonna tie the two together. What values are you most intentional about passing down to your kids? Yeah, would it be like, would I be so proud if one of my kids was the next trillionaire like Elon Musk? Yeah, absolutely. But also, am I gonna be so proud if my kid is a teacher who teaches kids or a like an art teacher or an artist? Like it literally does not matter as long as my kid is pursuing their passion and fulfilling their passion in life. Every single kid is so different, it's mind-blowing how different my daughter and my son are. When it comes to nature and nurture, it's not all of either, there's both. And if anyone you know says otherwise, like just come to my house and see the difference between my daughter and my son. They were so different the second they came out. And so they're gonna want to do different things. Every single kid is so different, and what I wanted in being a dad is I wanted to provide my kids the opportunity to fulfill their purpose, to be authentic, to fulfill their purpose, and to fulfill their destiny for what they are on this earth for. And that's what I'm trying to do. My daughter loves art. She has stated recently that she wants to be a teacher and an artist. She wants to work from home and she wants to do art for her career. And that is just like warms my heart. And so I want to help her fulfill that. I'm sure things will change as I know things changed for me from when I was young to when I was older. But if I can do anything for my kids, I want to bring up and rear kids who are kind, good-hearted members of society who love and appreciate life itself, and they fulfill their purpose for why they were put on this earth. How do you handle discipline? Are you more strict or more relaxed than you expected? So my wife and I thought for sure that she would be the disciplinarian and I would be the one not disciplining. And we we actually split very well. I'm not saying that we are like totally on par and that there aren't discussions or disagreements about the discipline that each of us partakes in, or like, hey, why didn't you step in on that one and help me out? But we actually have gotten to a pretty good spot where we flip flop. And the one thing that I can say that I have found has helped us is that number one, do not let your kids. Ask mom first, get a no, and then go ask dad looking for a yes. Mom and dad are always aligned, always a united front. That is the one thing with discipline that I think is the most helpful and will also help your relationship with your spouse. I know that when we are a united front, if we screw up the discipline, if we do it wrong, like at least we're doing it together because we're not going to be perfect and that's just how life is going to be. But if we are at least doing that together and we're screwing it up together, then we can be on the same page and we can then go fix it together. If we are both doing different things, not only does it give mixed messages to the kids, it shows that mom and dad are not a united front. And that is when, number one, kids can start taking advantage. It's not that kids are manipulative, it's human nature and it's instinct. If they smell weakness somewhere, they're gonna grab onto it. And that's just being human. So our discipline is very equally set. We also have different things that each of us discipline over and or care more about. I can't think of a specific example right now, but there's some things that Mackenzie's like, yeah, I don't care if they do that. And I'm like, no, I don't want them doing that, and vice versa. So it's very helpful to get on the same page when those things come and make sure to communicate about it. That is what we have to do. Constantly communicating, always a united front. Even if you don't agree with what your spouse just said to the kids, do not go back on it in front of the kids. You follow through with what that spouse said, and then you talk about it with your spouse on the other side when the kids are not present to then find a common understanding that you both are going to work towards. Number 10, how is becoming a father changed the way you think about success? So when I was 22 or 23 years old, I got into real estate. I had been working for my dad and I got into real estate. Always wanted to be a developer, so I was going to learn the sales side before getting back into construction down the line. And I was meeting with a mentor slash potential client, and he told me because I was having trouble getting started in real estate and getting income. I think my first year I netted about $3,000, which was terrible. And I had joined my mom's team. So part of that was because I got a small portion of some of her transactions. So it's rather embarrassing. I made almost no money that first year. And this mentor, he looks at me, he goes, I think you should go have a kid. And I literally had just gotten married. I think we'd been to, you know, Kenzie and I have been married for maybe a year. So maybe I was 24, 25. And he goes, Go have a kid. And I was like, You fucking kidding me? Like, no, I don't want a kid right now. And he was like, literally, your entire mindset will change, and I bet you start making money within the first like three months. And it's so crazy because we didn't have kids until eight years later, maybe six years later. And I recently saw a meme on Instagram that said, a good man will double his income after having a daughter. And I kind of swiped past it and I was like, wait a second. And I went back to it and I looked at it again. I go, holy shit. The year that we had our first, I forex my income in that 12-month span. And beyond that, I doubled my income every single year up until like last year. And so what I can say is having kids completely changes your mindset, whether you know it or not. You get this protective mindset, you all of a sudden become a different person because you have more to care about, you have more to protect, and everything starts to change. The way you go about business begins to change. I can't say it's gonna change in one way or another for one specific person, but what I can say is that if you're willing to step into the person that God has asked you to become by having a kid, then your success will be massive. And it's gonna be a really freaking fun ride, no matter how hard it is. What's something about yourself you've had to work on since having kids? Not being reactive. I'm usually not a reactive person. Like I never fought as a kid. I I usually don't react at work. Very cool, calm, collect. And dude, kids bring the reactiveness out of me like crazy. So it's something that I've had to be very careful of and to watch my tone, watch how I go about speaking to them when they're doing something that seems just outrageous to me, and being very okay and giving grace to the fact that like they're kids, of course they're gonna do this stuff. So this is probably the biggest thing that has that is that I've had to work on since having kids and being very understanding of them doing things that in an adult mind just don't make sense. It's okay. They're kids, of course they're gonna do stuff. Don't put them in situations where they're going to fail if you don't want that to happen. But also do put them in situations to fail, but be ready to catch them and help them understand because failure is the greatest lesson in life and will probably lead you to the most success. The more you fail, the more success you're gonna have. Has father changed your risk tolerance in business at all? It has not changed my risk tolerance. My I've gotten more risky as I've gotten older, specifically in business, and having kids has not changed that. I was going to, you know, it popped into my mind to say like it supercharged my risk tolerance, but it didn't really. It's just that I was always going to increase my risk tolerance as I grew in business, and kids has not changed that. What has happened is that I now consider very, very hard and I make moves in my business to create long-term security and safety, specifically in our finances, but also just in our life, in our time, in our freedom, in how we interact in our relationships. Uh safety and security is now at the forefront of my mind. I still take those risks, but I do definitely look at okay, where is the safety and security? Where is my baseline? And what am I okay doing? Um, interestingly enough, even with that, it's like both the whole tide has raised to where my risk tolerance actually has increased, but so has my safety and my security needs. How do you and your partner divide the mental loading or the mental load of parenting? Like I said, always be on the same team and always support each other, even if you don't agree. You can talk about it later and communicate. One thing that we have used a little bit, it's not an everyday thing, but I've heard it on a lot of podcasts, like the percentage rule. And I think it's a really positive things, thing for people to do because we fall back on it sometimes, and it's actually really great. Is if I get home and I've had a really hard day and I can say, honey, I'm at 10%, and she can look at me and say, Hey, I'm at 50%, then it's like, okay, sweet. Like she can handle a little bit more that night. If I come home, I've had a great day and I'm like, hey, I'm at 80%, and she's like, I'm at 20, sweet. I can handle a little more that night. And it's just a really simple way to communicate with Mackenzie and decide on like, hey, who can take on what? Who maybe needs to go take a five-minute break and just decompress. And the big thing here is grace for each other. If you're both at 10%, you just say, like, hey, okay, let's deal with this. Do you need to go take five minutes to yourself? Yeah, sounds great. Go upstairs, take five minutes to yourself. This is a constant communication piece. And if you're communicating with your spouse or your partner, then this division of mental load is going to be a thousand times easier. What's the best piece of advice you'd give to a new dad who feels overwhelmed? This one's pretty abstract, but what I can say is that as soon as you become a new dad or a new mom, it will unlock a new version of you. God has opened up a door for you to walk through, and it's up to you to walk through that door and step into that new version of you that is available. But taking that step is obscenely difficult. It takes mental fortitude, it takes physical fortitude. The hardest part is actually making that jump and saying, I am going to walk through that door, and I am going to step into this new person, and I am going to do the hard thing in modifying my life, in becoming the best parent that I can possibly be. Please step through that door. It's way simpler not to in the short term, but I promise you, in the long term, stepping through that door and becoming the person, that new version of you that has just been unlocked, you will never regret that. How do you keep your marriage relationships strong while raising kids? This goes back to communication. And the biggest thing when it comes to communication is you are always on the same team. Just do not forget you are on the same team. When you don't agree on something, when you want to bicker about something, when you want to fight about something that had to do with parenting or something at the house, always just take a quick breath, look at your spouse or your partner, and remember that you are on the same team. And it actually helps to say it out loud. That is the main thing that I can say because communication is key when you are raising kids, when you're in a relationship, when you want to have the absolute best relationship you can with your significant other. It all comes down to communication and knowing that you absolutely are on the same team. It's you and your partner against the world. So you have to remain united. And communication is key on that. This was actually quite a few. It was pretty freaking awesome. And I really am so appreciative that people are, you know, bringing questions and sending them in the DMs and asking for advice in life. I don't know if this stuff helps, but I really hope it does. And I want to see every single listener and everyone out there succeed in whatever they are doing. And if I can be helpful with that, that's what we want to do. So please keep the questions coming and we will do our best to answer every single one. And thank you so much for being a listener. Don't forget to subscribe, check us out on Instagram, follow anywhere that you like to, and keep up with us along the way. Thank you so much. We'll see you guys on the next one. Thanks for tuning in to the Success Architect. If today's episode helped you lay a stronger foundation for your business or your life, subscribe and share it with someone ready to do the same with theirs. You can follow me, Jake Lewendah, on social for daily tips on health, wealth, and building success that lasts. Until next time, keep designing, keep building, and keep leveling.